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fallingstar






"I want to talk to yall about Gracie, who lives in a kingdom of free lollies and porn. She is a magical cookie elf! Mine to be exact.

(Theres a heavy chance I might get sidetracked and start talking about Famous Amos or the weather, so be informed.)

Now, I might suffer from psychological and mental issues, but heck it dont matter because Gracie isn't exactly all about rationality and normal anyway. That may come as an insult to most of you, but if it does, then what the fuck are ya doin' here?We're hot young people in last year's clothes and freshly crazed minds. It doesn't matter if we're rude and stupid; didn't I say we're hot and young?

Anyway, I don't even know her full name, or else I forgot which is mean (don't forget your friend's full name kids), but I know very well that she is fucking awesome. More awesome than Saturday cartoons, more awesome than sundaes on a hot summer's day, more awesome than a public toilet when you have to piss so badly, and certainly, more awesome than myself, who is pretty damn awesome to be honest.

She is my other half. The kind of friend that you don't have to call every single day or meet 7 days a week, 12 months in a year but still have that bad ass bond that makes other people glare and admire. We discuss complicated plots to kidnap Pete and put him in our basement. Sometimes, when we are really in a good mood, we make up characters we wish we are, and babble away with childish imagination. We talk about deep stuffs too; we're smart, really, just in the wrong and sick way.

We share things I can't believe I could even think of sharing. We annoy ceaselessly, we promise carelessly, we wait patiently, we tease and torment, we ponder deeply, we fight with venom, we cry shamelessly and we love. And when we can't breathe, or the world seems to manipulate even more and close in on us, we sigh and we sit, in each other's presence.

She'd pat me on my back, and tell me everything is going to be alright even if the situation is completely hopeless and fucked. She'd put a smile on my sad, unjustified face, and sometimes leave my mouth wide open, just by being Gracie. She's explicit, and dangerous. She'd say 'Fuck your skinny asses' and say 'ILY' in a matter of seconds. She's wildly complicated. Freaky and alien, at times. Too emotional, or too icy. Sad, desperate and in love. And sometimes, in those rare moments, she's this happy little girl in pigtails with a giant ice cream in hand.

Maybe it's ridiculous to be so attached to someone over the internet; because we all know the internet can be a nest of terror, but whenever I allow myself to think about it, I find myself not caring at all. I'm here, she's here, we're rockin' and smokin', and we love each other. So, what's the problem?

We're friends, and if you knew exactly how we are together, you'd be so jealous.

And if youre one of those witty ass people who snort in contempt, and go They're psychopaths with too much time in their hands., well, guess what punk?

You suck.

(ooh, veeery snappy Ray.)

We have something, me and Gracie, and youd be lying through your teeth if you try to deny it. This unlogical and wondrous thing I call our friendship is so gigantic and powerful, itd blow Hiroshima and Nagasaki off hands down and still have enough ammos to smack you across the face. And Im not even sure why I instigate to convince you all so much anyways.

Haha. I think we're fucking alright, me and Gracie."

And I love you to death, Ravy.

blahblah
exits
.I?. x. x. x. x. x. x. And some other deepshits..

credits
designer : kathleen
image : hiddenmemoryx
lyrics : It Ends Tonight/ AAR

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

memories
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
November 2007
December 2007
February 2008

I'm back, fuckfaces.
Friday, July 6, 2007
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO : Newport Living - Cute Is What We Aim For


I've been tragically deprived for an internet access for two freakin' weeks. It means, missing what's going on on Chrissy's holiday, having loads of messages and comments on Friendster, and not being able to catch Ray online. Daaaamn.

If I didn't know any better I'd think God was being suprisingly kind.

But hey, Im back. So...Yeah.

One thing I hate the most about blogging is the itch that I have to tell things that happened to me, yet I still have these doubts that unworthy people will have access to it. But as if I have any outlets other than Rachel or Ray or Chrissy. I mean, like I have a fucking choice.

But fuck it, I have alot of things to share.

My dad and I had a fight the other day. Err, to make long stories short he's been demanding me to look after my baby brother, and of course I did. But at times he was overreacting to the point that he doesn't want me to leave my baby brothers' side. He wants me cleaning up their shits, doing the dishes and such but the same old nasty, foul, hurtful words are my reward. It came to the point that I had enough. And that would mean that I slept all day and didn't mind them. Which just resulted to bad things, and another bad thing happened that resulted to a bad action to another bad thing and the cliche goes on.

Ad I know Ray will hate me for admitting this but I did things to end it all.

I did it, yes. And I know it's a coward's way to do it but I can't really blame myself, can I? I'm stuck in a predicament I cant handle, in a life I never wanted, surrounded by people who never get it, with people I love pulling themselves away from me.

I had a choice before me and it's just a matter of letting things happen. I let things flow, but it's life that never let me go. I drank 14 pills from our fridge, most of them are used for various diseases which I didn't even bother to read. All I could thing of is, if it kills me, then it's good enough.

Apparently, God was being his bully ol' self and didn't let me die. It's funny and frustrating at the same time because I was so fucking ready. I even murmured a message for Ray, told her Im sorry for doing what I did. And looking back at things now, all I can do was laugh at myself. For being weak and not taking more than in the whole fucking bottle.

Maybe I was scared. Maybe I still care. Maybe I still feel things and I can never be as numb as I want myself to be. Maybe I'm still loving, inlove, will love. All these things are crossing in and out of my mind and I can't even give attention to that same, old shitty feeling in my stomach that happens alot whenever I'd took pills. I tried neutralizing the pain by drinking up a cup of water with few drops of this old multi-purpose cleaner I found in the bathroom. Now that's real determination.

Maybe I didn't die that day. But I still believe there are lots of good days to die. I didn't die that day but I won't stop trying. It doesn't really have to be a hurry-hurry death, y'know?



Well I felt I couldn't take another day inside this place.
Silent dreams we'd never wake.And in this promise that you
make.

Starless eyes, for heaven's sake.But I hear you anyway.
Well, I thought I heard you say "I like you"
"We can get out.""We dont have to stay, stay inside this
place."

Someday, this day. We kept falling down.
Someday, this day. Set this ferris wheel ablaze.
You left, my heart, an open wound.


That song means so much to me. It hits me like giant boulders and pricks my soul like needles. It's just that...you know. I thought I heard him say he likes me. *sighs*


I don't really know what I liked about him. He's unattainable, unpredictable. He is from a completely different world. And he is someone I don’t want to need. He's a curse. MY curse.


...And this ramen noodles tastes like urine. Blekkk.



My mind's unweaving/ 7:34 AM