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fallingstar






"I want to talk to yall about Gracie, who lives in a kingdom of free lollies and porn. She is a magical cookie elf! Mine to be exact.

(Theres a heavy chance I might get sidetracked and start talking about Famous Amos or the weather, so be informed.)

Now, I might suffer from psychological and mental issues, but heck it dont matter because Gracie isn't exactly all about rationality and normal anyway. That may come as an insult to most of you, but if it does, then what the fuck are ya doin' here?We're hot young people in last year's clothes and freshly crazed minds. It doesn't matter if we're rude and stupid; didn't I say we're hot and young?

Anyway, I don't even know her full name, or else I forgot which is mean (don't forget your friend's full name kids), but I know very well that she is fucking awesome. More awesome than Saturday cartoons, more awesome than sundaes on a hot summer's day, more awesome than a public toilet when you have to piss so badly, and certainly, more awesome than myself, who is pretty damn awesome to be honest.

She is my other half. The kind of friend that you don't have to call every single day or meet 7 days a week, 12 months in a year but still have that bad ass bond that makes other people glare and admire. We discuss complicated plots to kidnap Pete and put him in our basement. Sometimes, when we are really in a good mood, we make up characters we wish we are, and babble away with childish imagination. We talk about deep stuffs too; we're smart, really, just in the wrong and sick way.

We share things I can't believe I could even think of sharing. We annoy ceaselessly, we promise carelessly, we wait patiently, we tease and torment, we ponder deeply, we fight with venom, we cry shamelessly and we love. And when we can't breathe, or the world seems to manipulate even more and close in on us, we sigh and we sit, in each other's presence.

She'd pat me on my back, and tell me everything is going to be alright even if the situation is completely hopeless and fucked. She'd put a smile on my sad, unjustified face, and sometimes leave my mouth wide open, just by being Gracie. She's explicit, and dangerous. She'd say 'Fuck your skinny asses' and say 'ILY' in a matter of seconds. She's wildly complicated. Freaky and alien, at times. Too emotional, or too icy. Sad, desperate and in love. And sometimes, in those rare moments, she's this happy little girl in pigtails with a giant ice cream in hand.

Maybe it's ridiculous to be so attached to someone over the internet; because we all know the internet can be a nest of terror, but whenever I allow myself to think about it, I find myself not caring at all. I'm here, she's here, we're rockin' and smokin', and we love each other. So, what's the problem?

We're friends, and if you knew exactly how we are together, you'd be so jealous.

And if youre one of those witty ass people who snort in contempt, and go They're psychopaths with too much time in their hands., well, guess what punk?

You suck.

(ooh, veeery snappy Ray.)

We have something, me and Gracie, and youd be lying through your teeth if you try to deny it. This unlogical and wondrous thing I call our friendship is so gigantic and powerful, itd blow Hiroshima and Nagasaki off hands down and still have enough ammos to smack you across the face. And Im not even sure why I instigate to convince you all so much anyways.

Haha. I think we're fucking alright, me and Gracie."

And I love you to death, Ravy.

blahblah
exits
.I?. x. x. x. x. x. x. And some other deepshits..

credits
designer : kathleen
image : hiddenmemoryx
lyrics : It Ends Tonight/ AAR

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

memories
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
November 2007
December 2007
February 2008

Aww shit.
Saturday, September 29, 2007


The bloody layout's fixed but for some shitty fucked up reason, it won't show up. The only thing I could see is the old green layout. Oh well.


I really don't know what to say. The past 2 weeks has been hell for me. PE dance practices, dissecting live frogs, quizzes, experiments, name it. I have too many things in my mind and having one more is the last thing I need. And no matter how much I try to cheer myself up and put on some big fake smile I can't seem to take those away. I'd still end up going home frustrated, angry at myself, irritated at this pain that seems to vibrating from my inside out. I know I'm not making any sense at all but...*shrugs*

No, it's not about that fucker whose been bashing me on FS, or because I'm missing some guy terribly. It's...I dont know. I have this huge pile of worries inside me and I don't even know where they're coming from.
This feeling, this sad, longing feeling. I feel this all the time. In everywhere I go I'd try to find familiar faces, hoping they'll see different than with how I see myself. Hoping I could get to peep into their eyes and see from it, that I'm still wanted.


And that was just wrong. I hate myself for saying that. I'm not suppose to want to be wanted. I'm suppose to not care. I can't fucking want to be wanted, because I know I'm not a good person and it's too much to ask.

Fuck. I told you I'm a little screwed up.

Oh well.

I need to get myself out of this pool of longing, sad, stressed feeling. And that's what I'm about to do tomorrow. I'll be meeting up my old friends and we'll just...unwind, y'know?

My mind's unweaving/ 3:48 AM


Friday, September 28, 2007
Fuck. I cant fucking change my fucked up layout.


FUCKKKK!

My mind's unweaving/ 7:18 PM

Take it back to square one.
Monday, September 24, 2007
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO - Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn - HelloGoodbye





This is not photoshopped, I swear.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~



Errr umh...hee?

So...the concert went nice and everybody knows that's an understatement. It was indeed awesome, so awesome that I don't even want to remember it, it kinda frustrates me, for some unknown reason.

Oh well.

Remember when I had a fight with this Czar kid at Friendster? Well, I thought my fight with stupid, spineless webber idiots are over but now Im being badmouthed again, by one of Czar's friends.

It was stupid and pathetic, to sum it all up since she ( Nina, I now call her Ninafuckface. ) used to message me during my fight with her friend, asking stuffs, probably spying on me for her. And like any "word-war" I've had before, I won over Czar and apparently we're at peace now, that's why it's not making any freaking fucked up sense why her friend just manage to bash me now. Maybe it takes three weeks for her brain to digest things and react. *shrugs*

She commented on me, talking about how arrogant I am, which was an old news. She talks about why am I putting such words on my FS profile, why am I bashing her friends, why am I not speaking tagalog and alot more overly emotional stuffs that no matter how huge amount of understanding I put on it, it's still not makming any sense. It's kind of funny because first off, it's my profile and she's not required to give a bleeding chicken shit about it. If she doesn't like what I write then she's free to leave or block me but instead she chose to fight me. *shrugs*

Oh well, her choice.

And the funny thing is, she dragged her faggoty, scenekid-wannabe friend of her, Nicolas in it. only that she should have dragged someone who'd have the guts to actually bash me in my comment's page, not on Ninafuckface's. *shrugs more*

And that, my friends, is my colorful virtual life. *coughs*

I got sick too, by the way.

And I need to go. ♥

My mind's unweaving/ 5:35 PM

Oh yess indeedy!
Thursday, September 20, 2007


I'm just 8 and a half hours away from the concert. I feel so fucking hyper that I need to stand the whole day, cause I might end up falling off of my chair in sheer fangirlism and humiliate myself infront of my classmates.

Oh shiit. I need to pull 8:00PM closer.

Wish me luck, ass fucked fuckers.

My mind's unweaving/ 8:27 PM

We dont fight fair.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: So Much - The Spill Canvas


How much are you worth?
HumanForSale.com - I am for sale!


Indeed, I am worth this much. *winks*

2 days until FOB tour. Yay! Too bad I just got a bad news, not really a bad one. Just like what Ray said I can come in early and burn her motherfucking seat down but blah, she ain't worth the time nor shit to be bothered.

Okay, that's a lie. I am indeed bothered. I get over things as quick as a blink of an eye but questions would sometimes randomly poke me in the head until I'd start being all depressed and going around in circles again. It's insane, it's still sort of bugging me, but I'm not really requiring myself to care, do I? Not now, now that she ruined everything, and she took away every bit of respect I had for her.

I'd sometimes stop and think about the things the way they were before and I could have told myself, I could have lived like that. I was happy, she was a good friend. I loved her.

Loved, how past tense puts up lot of meaning these days.

But hey, FOB concert night! In 2 days! YAYAYAYAY! Just like I told Ray, it cant be ruined by some wannabee who's been bringing all sexy back before she even knew me. *sighsighsigh*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Do you know what happens to people who stays in the middle of he road? They get run over.

I say that alot, but do it more often. I can put down my pride and dignity just to mend something that's been destroyed over stupid reasons, still thinking that being in the middle of two bumping stones was a foolish choice. Seeing friendships that was once so perfect deteriorate right before my eyes was too much to take. Too hard to watch. But I can't bring myself to be in the middle of it again because I, myself, has atleast something to say.

I'm a selfish, mean, angsty, arrogant, proud, self-centered prick. I admit that, but when it comes to my friends every bit of these negative attitude in me dissolves to nothing but hope for them to stay, for us to last longer. For us to just...be happy. Simple wishes they were.

Perhaps they were right, I was too naive of everything. I think of things as if they're easy to get by, with high hopes inside my heart, even though it has been continously failing me. They were right, I'm this young, dumb, dillusional kid who's obviously in denial of the things around her. Yes, I've been denying things to myself when I thought you were happy with us.

And I don't even know why I'm writing this thing. I've been sitting here for 2 hours, thinking of somewhat a better way to put it all. This might be it, though I know it lacks something. Maybe the usual curses, or the hates, or the childish babbles and all that. But do you know what this update have?

Doubt. And disappointment.

I'm so fucking disappointed and it's breaking my heart.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And last but not the least; I found something cute for Ray;




Heeee. <333

My mind's unweaving/ 4:42 AM

Just sleep.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007




Believe it or not, I've been listening to "Umbrella" by Rihanna lately, and obsessively.

I'd randomly burst out the "ela, ela, ela, eh." part on jeepney rides, while snuggling Sommer, while taking the tests or while washing the dishes. My brother would be looking at me in awe whenever he'll hear me sing that song.

I'd be like "Blame Gerard."

*sighs*

And I've been sewing alot lately, by the way. My grandmom gather up sewing tools and made an improvised sewing kit. She told me that she'll be leaving that to me incase I'll be needing it. And since I'm this psychotic, overly-obsessive kid that I am, I've been overusing it. I sew almost everytime. Whenever Id see unmended stitches on my uniforms, on my bedsheet covers, on my clothes, or on my pillow cases. Everything. Sometimes I'd sew things even if it's still mended. But hey, I dont think there's something wrong with it, it's quite therapeutic anyway.

Umh, yeah. For now I have nothing else to say toeverybody else but...

Ray;

I know saying this won't mean nor ease anything but, let her be happy, the way she wants to be, or to whom she wants to be with.

My mind's unweaving/ 7:29 AM

HOLYFUUCK!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
It's true! Fall Out Boy will have an autograph signing session at MOA, Wednesday, 4PM!

*runs all over the place like a retard*

Anybody who wants to come with me, say AYE!





And I made a multiply account, by the way. Just for Sommer's early signs of unhealthy archivism and narcissism. ;p

http://unsafetypins.multiply.com

My mind's unweaving/ 6:12 AM

You're better off without me.
Friday, September 14, 2007


Ahh! I caught Sommer yawning! *snuggles Sommer*

Err, yeah. Anyways...

I probably had the most tiring week in College. First, we had our practical exam in PE last Monday, in which our meanie professor gave us probably the lowest grade in our section. We did fine, but she just doesn't appreciate us doing things wayy ahead of others. And yeah, for that stupid reason she flunk most of my groupmates.

...Bitch.

And then by Tuesday, we had our Taxidermy. It's like...I don't know. I don't really want to go on details. It's horrible, I feel as evil as if I am.

Wednesday? We didn't attend classes. Boo hoo.

And by Friday we had some psychological tests and whatnot, in whcih we all know I nailed it. *smirks proudly*

*sighsighsigh*

And yeah, last Thursday we took my grandmom to the airport. On our way there I tried not to talk too much, probably because I don't really have anything to say pleasant. I can't really bring into myself how sad I am that she's going, more to actually telling her. I don't know. I might not see her again. I had the chance to do what I can do when she was still here but I wasted it.

And now? Regrets. So many regrets.

I hate regrets.

My mind's unweaving/ 3:54 PM

For grandmom.
Thursday, September 13, 2007

Tell Them She's Not Scared

(Envy On The Coast)



I'll hold your tears as a ransom
Within the palm of my hand
And tell you once again
Don't tell me that you're scared

Wake, wake, wake her
From this sea of white linens and

Extract the drugs from her dreams
And sew her seams with delicateness
Cause beneath her chest
Sits the heart that I live for
You'd kill for
The angels would die for
And with a subtle wink and a flutter of wings
They whispered
Whispered


I'll hold your tears as a ransom
Within the palm of my hand
And tell you once again
Don't tell me that you're scared


Alert the sawbones
Tell them that she's not scared
She's got an army of saints
Armed with her prayers
Wake the angels
Tell them that she's not scared
She won't be taking the next flight out of here


With a relic in her right hand
She rushes to the frontline
Stricken by the wounds across her chest
The angels swear she's blessed
With this medical test that unlocks the gates
To the place that we live for
We die for I know that she's bound for
And with a subtle wink and a mother's instinct
She whispered
To whisper


I'll hold your tears as a ransom
Within the palm of my hand
And tell you once again
Don't tell me that you're...


Alert the sawbones
Tell them that she's not scared
She's got an army of saints
Armed with her prayers
Wake the angels
Tell them that she's not scared
She won't be taking the next flight


Alert the sawbones
Tell them that she's not scared
She's got an army of saints
Armed with her prayers
Wake the angels
Tell them that she's not scared
She won't be taking the next flight out of here


The angels dressed for the wake
But she sent them home
She sent them home
With a handful of bullet shells
With a handful of bullet shells


The angels dressed for the wake
But she sent them home
Sent them home
With a handful of bullet shells
With a handful of bullet shells


Alert the sawbones

Tell them that she's not scared
Alert the sawbones
Tell them that she's not scared
She's got an army of saints
Armed with her prayers
Wake the angels
Tell them that she's not scared
She won't be taking the next flight out of here

My mind's unweaving/ 5:22 AM

She.Loves.You.
Friday, September 7, 2007
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO - Sophomore Slump - Fall Out Boy



14 days. YAYAYAYAYAYAY!


And oh, have I mentioned that there's this girl who's been bashing me in Friendster?


It was like this; Ive been killing boredom by surfing Friendster as well as their groups, and I came across this Gerard Way forum. I joined in a few discussions. Then this girl JEIN made a post, ranting about why MCR fans are like this and that these days, and keep telling people that she used to be like us but she have changed to a "gurly-gurl". I know, it doesnt make sense thats why I replied to her, disagreeing with most of what she said.



Then this CZAR kid butted in, in the middle of our heated discussion, cursing and babbling about somebody who she claims afterwards that's not me. But any smart ass would know I'm the one she's talking about. So...yeah. I replied to her, cursed as well. Or worst. I actually said some pretty bad things that could have hurt her "gurly" feelings that's why she started flaming me in my comments page. I was pretty shocked since I thought what I said probably knocked some freakin' sense out of her gurly mind and decided not to answer back. But it didn't.


And the pathetic thing is, when I was about to go to her page and diss her ass but she set her profile for her friends only.


"Now how am I suppose to flame her soggy, wrinkled fat ass now?!"

But being a smart ass as I am, I still got a way to message her, and until at this moment we're still throwing wordbombs at each others' inbox. But Im pretty sure I'll win, as always. I've had worst enemies. She doesn't mean a chickenshit to me.

Ohfuckit.


And I made a new banner.







I know, it's so awesome! ;p


<333

My mind's unweaving/ 5:18 AM

Just feel like writing this.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is-
Infinite, undying.
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
PS.
Gerard. Gerard. Gerard got married.
*faints*
*curls up in a ball*
*dies*

My mind's unweaving/ 11:10 PM

And without you is how I disappear.

Yes, I am indeed in a posting frenzy for the past few days.

I get the hang of sitting infront of the computer, staring blankly at the screen for about half an hour, trying to squeeze out things that's been bothering me lately. Things does bother me, I just don't know what they are, where are they coming from. I'd always have this hope of being able to write things down, and upon rereading them I can truly say I let things out.

But I've been failing. You don't know what it feels like to be all mixed up with big ass storms of emotions inside but not being able to burst things out even in a fucked up online journal wher enobody even pays attention into.

I feel as heavy as I could get.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all."
-Kurt Cobain.

My mind's unweaving/ 5:16 AM

Babble away.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
I decided I should change my layout, and probably this is the gayest layout I ever had. It's so out-of-character for me to use such but...it's cute eh?

Whatever. Im tired, my tummy feels like shit, I need to fucking shit.

My mind's unweaving/ 8:05 AM

Pfft.
"I dont love you, like I loved you, yesterday."

If there's something I'm really afraid of, it's probably having someone saying that line to me. Not needles, nor elevators, evil clowns and whatnot. This is.

I wont sit and wait to have somebody tell me those lines. I'd rather be gone and not be able to hear other things they have to say, even if it's the sweetest thing I'd ever hear, I dont want it.

I just want..bleh. Actually I dont know what I want. I'm just so sick of seeing people turning their backs on me and walking away, watching every step they take away off of my direction.

Sometimes it's selfish to wish yourself gone so you won't live another day to see what everybody has to throw at you. I, myself cant understand this, I'm thinking and feeling so many things that I don't even know which one is to let out. I'm just confused, so fucking confused.

I'm done.


It's been too long since my fingers fell into their familiar
pattern. Too long since anyone cared, not that anyone does care. The room
lights
up in array of colors not from any light source but from the
bloodshot images
that fill my head. I can't find the words to say I miss
you, and although I've
tried to forget the memories are more than I can
take. You eyes haunt my waking
dreams and not even in death can I find
peace. My knife no longer glistens and
rust has formed on the edges of my
sanity. I can't bring myself to say I love
you the same way you can't bring
yourself to admit that I never meant anything.
These words seem repetitive
and quiet useless because unless your eyes happen to
glance upon them like
me they mean nothing. I can't think anymore and my words
lost their sense of
virtue when I lost my heart. I knew this would only end in
bloodshed and
what I seem to have forgotten is that my blood was spilt before
most of this
began. The vicious circle begins again and I know that there is
more to
come. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be you, and although I
do
try and see your point my head won't let me make sense of it all. The night
fades away into daylight and the sun brings with it more complications. So
until
we meet again I'll keep my heart like a secret in my throat.

And I knew what I gave up when I started loving you




My mind's unweaving/ 6:40 AM